crust

pies and tarts

Strawberry Pop-Tart Pie

Strawberry Pop-Tart Pie
Strawberry Pop-Tart Pie

I wrote this post as part of the Plugrá Butter Brigade. Thanks, Plugrá, for sponsoring this post and for making my favorite butter!

One of my blogger friends recently asked, “If you drink milkshakes, what’s your favorite flavor?” on her Facebook wall. It was a happy conversation until someone chimed in just to note how disgusting she felt milkshakes were. My friend responded, “Please don’t yuck my yum.”

Strawberry Pop-Tart Pie

What great advice, right? Since then, I’ve noticed people doing this EVERYWHERE: you mention loving hot dogs and someone has to pop out of the woodwork to let you know that hot dogs are nasty. You mention you’re going to see a movie and someone has to pop up and tell you they hated it. You mention that you can’t wait for the next book in a series to come out and they let you know that they just can’t get into it.

(more…)

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pies and tarts

Strawberry Coconut Cream Pie Bars

Strawberry Coconut Cream Pie Bars
Strawberry Coconut Cream Pie Bars

Anyone up for some Strawberry Coconut Cream Pie Bars and a side of #realtalk? I’ve been thinking about something that I want to share with you all. It’s about holiness.

Those of us who are Christians are on a quest of sorts. We are working (and being worked on) towards holiness, or being set apart by our beliefs and actions. But lately I’ve noticed there are two very different ways we can go about that.

Strawberry Coconut Cream Pie Bars

One direction you can go to be “set apart” is to push other ideas and people away.

You can insulate yourself from people different than you. You can build a neat fence around yourself by labeling things other people do as Wrong or Immoral — more Wrong or Immoral than the wrong and immoral things you do, somehow. This makes these people Others and places them on the outside of the fence. You can make sure to only spend time with them when you’re lovingly counseling them towards repentance. You can make the focus of all your interactions their conversion to your way of thinking.

You can also build up community on the inside of your fence, making sure you all share the same set of ideas. Any deviation will be carefully counseled out so that you can all present a united front. You can develop a common language and set of motifs with other believers: things to signify you’re In and not Out.

You can give money to organizations designed to ensure the Out people cannot do things you don’t believe in. You can vote that those things be made illegal, in fact, to prove how strong your convictions are against them. When other people bring up ideas you disagree with, you can immediately put up your heart shield, reciting the well-rehearsed litany of reasons they are wrong. You’ve had it memorized like a catechism since your earliest Sunday school days. You love the sin but not the sinner. You find it sacrilegious and heretical to consider ideas that contradict your currently held beliefs; therefore, you must be careful never to seriously do so.

Strawberry Coconut Cream Pie Bars

I am so familiar with that way because it’s been my way. I was sincere, genuine, and loving in it, too, so I know those people mean well with their whole hearts. But there’s another way, and I think of it by going back to Christ’s example, and indeed, back to the example of the entire biblical narrative.

The Bible doesn’t tell us the importance of being sure, or hanging on tight to a stagnant set of doctrines. In fact, the people who did so were left in the dust and missed the point. The Bible is about abiding in the vine (in layman’s terms, regularly communicating with God and trusting Him), so that when the mystery of God and our existence is revealed a little more, you are right there with Him to understand it better.

And about those walls we build to be “set apart”? Christ was “set apart” not because He actually physically separated Himself from certain types of people, and not because he was part of an In group instead of an Out group. In fact, He seemed like quite a loner in some ways. His worship was largely solitary and contemplative, followed by periods of exhaustive pouring out. He poured out teaching, mercy, friendship, healing. Then it was back to isolation to restore.

The people He did spend time with were people others thought of as sinners, and He didn’t spend time with them just to convert them. He ate with them. He stayed at their homes. He made such special friendships with them that he visited them later. He washed their feet and had His feet washed by them. These people weren’t just sinners to save. They were rough around the edges and had the “wrong” language and the “wrong” ideas, but they were His family. And the deciding factor for whether someone was In or Out of His circle didn’t seem to be their perfect understanding of His doctrine — indeed, He purposely taught most people in parables — but a simple choice to have faith. They were humble, sinful people who were often unsure of themselves.

In contrast, the people trying so hard to protect certain religious ideas were the people who got it wrong. They worshipped ostentatiously and guarded their ideals religiously (ha). They thought you needed to wash before eating and that you couldn’t pick corn to eat on the Sabbath, and so Jesus and his disciples were Out when they broke these rules. They wanted to legally prosecute Christ because He didn’t fit their idea of a believer. Do you ever worry that there are Christians in America doing the same thing right now? Trying to take a legal route to prevent others from acting on “wrong” beliefs? Oh my gosh, I do!

Strawberry Coconut Cream Pie Bars

You know the verse, “Perfect love casts out fear” (I John 4.18)? I’ve realized recently that this applies to everything — including doctrine. Including holiness. I will no longer be afraid of opening my heart to evaluating new ideas and questions, to loving people, to letting people be themselves and being around them as themselves. As long as I’m abiding in the vine, worshipping my Lord and meeting Him every day, I don’t have to fear accidentally slipping into the “wrong way of thinking.” I’m safe. He’s holding me.

Instead, I am free to pursue holiness as Christ did: through radical love. Being friends and family to the people I’m “not supposed” to be with, and not just as a missionary. Serving wholeheartedly in ways that build relationships. Showing mercy and empathy where others would condemn. Accepting people who others cast Out as sinners.

And you know what helped? When I was working through some questions, a “brother in Christ” told me he didn’t think I was a Christian because of something I said about gay marriage. No one had ever said anything like that to me and I was absolutely galled. How could anyone question my faith? That’s when I finally realized that I AM ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE being cast Out as a sinner — any of us could be if we step out of someone else’s perceived line.

Kind of makes you think, huh? Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below, and read on for a fantastic spring dessert to go with your musings.

One year ago: The Ultimate Moist, Fluffy, Ridiculous Coconut Cake
Two years ago: Buttery Coconut & Almond Morning Buns
Three years ago: Deep Fried Cake Batter Cookie Dough
Four years ago: Carrot Cake Waffles

Strawberry Coconut Cream Pie Bars


Recipe by: Willow Bird Baking, with filling adapted from All Recipes
Yield: 9 bars

These Strawberry Coconut Cream Pie Bars are an incredible mixture of coconut cream pie and strawberry cream pie — just perfect for a beautiful spring dessert. Seriously, they are SO GOOD. They’re easy to make, too (no pie crust rolling)!

Crust Ingredients:
1/2 cup (1 stick) butter
1 cup all-purpose flour
1/4 cup powdered sugar

Filling Ingredients:
1 1/2 cups half-and-half
1 1/2 cups coconut milk
2 eggs
3/4 cup white sugar
1/3 cup cornstarch
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 cup flaked coconut
1/4 teaspoon coconut extract
1/4 teaspoon vanilla extract

Topping Ingredients:
1 1/2 strawberries (I had some leftover, but I always buy two packs just in case)
1/2 cup water
1/4 cup sugar
2 teaspoons cornstarch
red food coloring (optional; I skipped this)

Directions:
Make shortbread crust: Preheat your oven to 350°F. Prepare an 8-inch square baking pan by lining it with parchment paper. Cut the butter into the flour and powdered sugar and press into the baking dish (I used a food processor to cut the fat into the flour — about 6-10 pulses — and then the bottom of a glass to press the mixture into the pan). Bake 18-20 minutes or until light brown. Set on a wire rack to cool.

Make coconut cream filling: Combine the half-and-half, coconut milk, eggs, sugar, cornstarch, and salt in a large saucepan and bring it to a boil over medium-low heat, whisking constantly until it’s thick and bubbling (this can take anywhere from 10-20 minutes. Just do it. It’s worth it.) Add coconut and vanilla extracts and the shredded coconut and stir. Pour this filling over your cooled crust, letting it cool for a bit on the counter before sticking the whole thing in the fridge to chill until firm, about 2 to 4 hours.

Assemble and make glaze: Slice most of a pound of strawberries in thin slices lengthwise and layer the slices in pretty alternating diagonal rows on the top of the coconut cream. Set this in the fridge to chill while you make your glaze.

Crush remaining 1/2 cup of strawberries and boil with water in a saucepan over medium-high heat for two minutes. Strain through a fine mesh sieve and discard the pulp. Pour a little of the resulting strawberry juice into the glass with the cornstarch and stir to make a slurry. Put the rest of the juice back into the saucepan over medium-high heat and gradually whisk in sugar and cornstarch slurry. Cook until thickened. If you want, you can tint this glaze with food coloring to desired hue, but mine was plenty bright enough! Cool the glaze slightly (I transferred mine to a heat-proof measuring cup with a pour spout to cool for a bit) and then pour over top of strawberry slices on your pie. Chill bars before serving.

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pies and tarts

French Silk Pie Bars (and a Surprise-Inside Cakes giveaway!)

French Silk Pie Bars
French Silk Pie Bars

Today I’ve got the best present for you: something that’s going to reawaken your sense of kitchen whimsy. No, not these French Silk Pie Bars, though they will reawaken your sense of kitchen GIMME THAT FORK RIGHT NOW.

French Silk Pie Bars

No, I mean my friend Amanda’s amazing new book, Surprise-Inside Cakes.

I love flipping through cookbooks. Do you do this, too? Lie in bed and page through them like a novel, consuming the food with your eyes, doing a mental inventory of your pantry, trying to visualize yourself making each recipe? Sorting the dishes with thoughts like, “This one seems easy enough,” “No way I’d make that,” “I think I have almost all of these ingredients,” “This sounds like a good special occasion meal”? I find it so relaxing. Surprise-Inside Cakes, with its gorgeous photos by Susan Powers and stunningly conceived cakes, is certainly great for that.

French Silk Pie Bars

But here’s the thing about this cookbook. The recipes are amazing, but best thing it gives me as a home cook isn’t even in its pages.

French Silk Pie Bars

Every now and then someone writes a cookbook that doesn’t just describe how to make their food, but helps you imagine creating your own food. It teaches you techniques that you could see applying to your own concept. It gives you examples of what someone — with a lot of patience and creativity — was able to create, and makes it seem accessible for you to embark on the same artistic adventure. That’s what this cookbook does. It’s not just a book of recipes, but a showcase and an invitation: here’s what I did, what will you do?

French Silk Pie Bars

To be honest, I haven’t felt this way since Bakerella started the creative cake pop craze. Amanda isn’t the only person in the world to put something cool inside a cake, sure. But her innovation in the kitchen is inspiring. She makes surprise-inside cakes seem accessible to the home cook on her blog, i am baker, and now in her book as well.

So if you need me, I’ll be lying in bed, flipping through these beautiful pages, dreaming of new creations. Want to join me? Not in my bed; that’d be weird. But in flipping through this new book? The Surprise-Inside publishers are offering one free copy to a lucky Willow Bird reader! Just enter using the giveaway widget below.

French Silk Pie Bars

Now onto pie! I’ve been on a pie bar kick, in case you haven’t noticed. Coconut Cream Pie Bars, Lemon Cream Pie Bars, and now French Silk Pie Bars. These things are crazy! They remind me of going to Perkins Family Restaurant as a kid and getting a huuuge slice of French Silk Pie to devour all by myself. Enjoy them with a huge glass of milk. But be sure to enter the giveaway first!

One year ago: Almond Scones with Raspberry Jam and Clotted Cream
Two years ago: My Favorite Pie Crust Dough
Three years ago: Three Safe-to-Eat Cookie Doughs: Chocolate Chip, Sugar, and Cake Batter!
Four years ago: Chocolate Sheet Cake

French Silk Pie Bars


Recipe by: Willow Bird Baking adapted from Brown Eyed Baker
Yield: 9 bars

If you love French Silk pie, this is your kind of dessert! A buttery shortbread crust forms the base for creamy chocolate mousse and fluffy whipped cream. Use Pioneer Woman’s tutorial for making cute chocolate curls to boost the presentation!

Crust Ingredients:
1 cup (2 sticks) butter
2 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 cup icing sugar

Filling Ingredients:
1 cup heavy cream
8 ounces bittersweet chocolate, finely chopped
3 eggs
¾ cup granulated sugar
2 tablespoons water
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
8 tablespoons unsalted butter, at room temperature, cut into ½-inch pieces

Topping Ingredients:
1 cup heavy whipping cream
1/2 teaspoon gelatin
2 tablespoons cold water
4-5 tablespoons powdered sugar
chocolate curls (optional)

Directions:
Make shortbread crust: Preheat your oven to 350°F. Prepare an 8-inch square baking dish by lining it with parchment paper. Cut the butter into the flour and icing sugar and press into the baking dish (I used a food processor to cut the fat into the flour — about 6-10 pulses — and then the bottom of a glass to press the mixture into the pan). Bake 18-20 minutes or until light brown. Set on a wire rack.

Make the filling: Melt your chocolate by heating in 30-second intervals on half power, stirring between each. Once melted, set the chocolate aside as you complete the filling. In a chilled bowl, beat the heavy whipping cream to stiff peaks. Place it in a bowl in the fridge to chill until it’s needed. In the heatproof bowl of a stand mixer, beat together eggs, sugar, and water for 5 minutes until pale yellow and slightly thickened. Set the bowl over a saucepan of simmering water to form a sort of double boiler. Heat, whisking occasionally, until a candy thermometer reads 160 degrees F.

Put the bowl onto the stand mixer carefully and beat on medium speed until cooled to room temperature and thickened, about 8 minutes. While beating, add in the chocolate and vanilla. My chocolate almost seemed to stick to the bowl and get difficult here, but I just turned the mixer up for a few seconds and all was well. Beat in the room temperature butter a piece at a time, mixing between each. Fold in the whipped cream until no white streaks remain, and then pour the mixture over your cooled shortbread crust and smooth the top. Cover and chill the bars for at least 3 hours or overnight.

Make the topping: In a small bowl, sprinkle the gelatin over the 2 tablespoons cold water to soften for 2 minutes. Heat for 15 or so seconds in the microwave, whisking to dissolve the gelatin. Whip 1 cup heavy whipping cream to stiff peaks, adding the gelatin and powdered sugar halfway through. Chill in the fridge until set.

Want to see some of my own “surprise inside” cakes? I’ll be honest: I use a special pan to craft my heart-shaped creations. Amanda’s book will help you to be much more crafty!

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pies and tarts

Lemon Cream Pie Bars

Lemon Cream Pie Bars
Lemon Cream Pie Bars

I wrote this post as part of the Plugrá Butter Brigade. Thanks, Plugrá, for sponsoring this post and for making my favorite butter!

When I was little, I was, um, strong-minded. Have we talked about me as a child? . . . Yeah.

Let’s just say that I had big ideas and I made them happen. Someday I’ll have to tell you about the book I wrote and mailed off to Harper Collins. Or the Teddy Bear Bank I started in fifth grade. Or the lotion business I started in sixth grade. But today, it’s all about St. Patrick’s Day Love, my first original song.

Lemon Cream Pie Bars

It was free time in my first grade classroom and my teacher, Mrs. Hill, was busily assisting some students across the room. (Side note: I had a crazy awesome reunion with Mrs. Hill when I was 28 years old and presenting at a teaching conference. Can you even believe it? I presented about teaching to my first grade teacher. Full circle.) My friend Lauren and I were going to use our free time to color pictures, but I’d recently discovered something way cooler.

“Hey, Lauren, have you ever seen music written? Like, written out on lines?” I scribbled some musical notes for her on a scrap of paper. No doubt they were backwards, upside down, and sideways. I’d recently seen sheet music for the first time, but I had no idea how to read it. She started scribbling her own notes along with me. Then I had the Best Idea Ever. “We have music next. Let’s write a song!”

Lemon Cream Pie Bars

We both drew out some straight lines (well, “straight” lines) and began peppering notes willy-nilly on the page. Without knowing a thing about musical notes, I’m sure my thought process went something like: “Okay, now a note with just one little ball on the end. Now one of those double notes. Now a swirly thing. Now two little one-ball notes in a row, ’cause I want to mix it up.” A creative genius right there.

When we finished, Lauren named her song Mary Had a Little Lamb. I wanted mine to be more original (of course), so I named it St. Patrick’s Day Love. There may have been a little boy named Patrick in my class and I may have loved him with the fiery passion of a thousand suns. I don’t think he knew my name, but ONE DAY he asked me to play Catwoman on the playground so he could be Batman. I didn’t really know who Catwoman was, but I ran around meowing. I was sure that would be the beginning of a beautiful relationship. For some reason, it never quite panned out.

Lemon Cream Pie Bars

We proudly showed our work to Mrs. Hill, who (to our endless joy) said that we could bring the songs to the music teacher and ask her to play them. We strutted to the music room like little peacocks, our wonky sheet music in hand.

When we arrived, the music teacher played Lauren’s song first. Instead of playing Lauren’s actual notes, however, she just played the real Mary Had a Little Lamb. Lauren didn’t seem to notice, but I secretly thanked God that I hadn’t named my composition after an existing song. I wanted to hear my real notes. Finally, the music teacher started in on mine: a beautiful melody. I now realize she probably didn’t play my real notes either, because they would’ve sounded roughly like a ferret set loose on a keyboard. At the time, though, I was very impressed with my composition. I WROTE THAT. I WROTE THAT MASTERPIECE EMANATING FROM THAT PIANO.

I stole romantic glances at Patrick as the song continued, lingering for a slightly more significant stare after the music teacher announced the name of the song. He picked at his shoe, apparently unaware of my existence.

Lemon Cream Pie Bars

But nevermind! My happiness simply could not be dimmed. Whether Patrick knew I existed or not, that day I experienced pure St. Patrick’s Day Lovvvve!

Here’s some St. Patrick’s Day love for you! Okay, okay, so these don’t really look like a St. Patrick’s Day treat. No Bailey’s Irish Cream or mint or green or any of that this time. But I still think this is quite the sweet offering to celebrate with today! If you love lemon, this is the dessert for you. A huge cloud of lemon cream mousse and freshly whipped cream sit on a buttery shortbread crust. Enjoy!

One year ago: Breakfast Stuffed Mushrooms (Portobellos Stuffed with a Leek and Gruyère Scramble)
Two years ago: Twice Baked Cranberry & Pancetta Sweet Potatoes with Balsamic Glaze
Three years ago: Mini Apple Pies with Cheddar Crusts
Four years ago: Ice Cream Cupcakes

Lemon Cream Pie Bars


Recipe by: Willow Bird Baking, using Lemon Curd from Fine Cooking
Yield: 20 tall bars

These bars are a BRIGHT burst of sunshine! The lemon flavor isn’t the knock-you-out sort, but a sweet, smooth punch in a bed of whipped cream. You’re gonna love these!

Crust Ingredients:
1 cup (2 sticks) butter (I use Plugrá Butter)
2 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 cup powdered sugar

Lemon Curd Filling Ingredients:
6 tablespoons butter, softened at room temperature (I use Plugrá Butter)
1 cup sugar
2 large eggs
2 large egg yolks
2/3 cup fresh lemon juice
1 teaspoon grated lemon zest
1 teaspoon gelatin
2 tablespoons cold water
4 cups whipping cream
1/2 teaspoon lemon extract
6-8 drops yellow food coloring (optional)
2 tablespoons powdered sugar

Topping Ingredients:
2 cups heavy whipping cream
1 tablespoon cold water
1 teaspoon gelatin
5-6 tablespoons icing sugar
grated lemon zest (for topping, optional)
fresh raspberries (for serving, optional)

Directions:
Make shortbread crust: Preheat your oven to 350°F. Prepare a 9 x 13 in. baking dish by lining it with parchment paper. Cut the butter into the flour and icing sugar and press into the baking dish (I used a food processor to cut the fat into the flour — about 6-10 pulses — and then the bottom of a glass to press the mixture into the pan). Bake 18-20 minutes or until light brown. Set on a wire rack.

Make the lemon curd: Cream butter and sugar together until pale, fluffy yellow (2-3 minutes). Slowly beat in eggs and yolks and then the lemon juice. The mixture will look curdled, but don’t worry. Pour it into a heavy saucepan and heat over low heat, stirring constantly, until the butter melts and the mixture smooths out and no longer looks curdled. Turn heat up to medium and stir constantly until the mixture thickens and reaches 170 degrees F on a candy thermometer (about 10-15 minutes). When you run your finger across the back of a wooden spoon used for stirring, it should leave a clear streak in the curd. Stir in the lemon zest.

Pour the curd into a shallow bowl and press plastic wrap directly on the surface of the curd. Chill in the fridge until cold. It’ll thicken more as it cools.

Make the lemon cream: Make sure your curd is totally cool before beginning this step. In a bowl, sprinkle the gelatin over the 2 tablespoons cold water to soften for 2 minutes. Heat for 15 or so seconds in the microwave, whisking to dissolve the gelatin. Whip 4 cups heavy cream to stiff peaks, adding the gelatin, lemon extract, food coloring, and powdered sugar halfway through. Stir in about 1/3 of the cream into the lemon curd to lighten it, and then gently fold in the curd into the rest of the cream. Pour the mixture over the cooled shortbread crust and spread evenly. Chill in the fridge until set.

Make the whipped cream: In a bowl, sprinkle the gelatin over the tablespoon of cold water to soften for 2 minutes. Heat for 15 or so seconds in the microwave, whisking to dissolve the gelatin. Whip the 2 cups cream to stiff peaks, adding the powdered sugar and gelatin halfway through mixing. Dollop the whipped cream over the lemon cream and gently spread it around. Zest a lemon over the top for garnish. Chill, remove from pan, slice into bars, and enjoy with fresh raspberries, if desired.

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pies and tarts

Coconut Cream Pie Bars

It’s pie month, so I made you some Coconut Cream Pie Bars!

Coconut Cream Pie Bars
Coconut Cream Pie Bars

Occasionally someone considering adopting a turtle will ask me if Squirt, my red-eared slider, is difficult to care for. Now listen. I love that turtle so much it hurts. I wouldn’t trade him for the world. He has the biggest personality and brings me tons of joy.

AND HE IS A RIDICULOUS AMOUNT OF TROUBLE. So whenever someone asks me that question, I have to pause, take a deep breath, and begin at the beginning…

Coconut Cream Pie Bars

Squirt was a rescue turtle, and I don’t feel it’s ethical to adopt turtles any other way — those cute quarter turtles you see for sale are often mistreated and sold illegally. Since they’re marketed to impulse buyers who don’t know how to care for them, they often live short lives in tiny enclosures. It’s just cruel, y’all. Don’t buy turtles.

But Squirt was a rescue. Someone who hadn’t done a lick of research (it’s ironic that I’m being judgy about that; you’ll see why) adopted him and then, upon realizing he might carry salmonella, was going to abandon him in a lake where he wasn’t native and would have summarily killed everything or been killed.

My friend intervened and fostered him. She knew I couldn’t have furry pets in my apartment, so she suggested I adopt him. “They’re so easy,” she assured me. “He needs hardly anything.” I did no research. I trusted her completely, got a big ol’ tupperware for his first tank, and brought him home.

Coconut Cream Pie Bars

“Hardly anything” turned out to be a $200 filter (followed by a $300 filter when that one quit, followed by another $200 filter when that one quit), a $70 lamp (replaced every 6 months), $8 food (replaced every few weeks), water vacuums, water dechlorinator, hundreds of dollars of water bills, exotic vet bills, and the pièce de résistance, a 140-gallon aquarium. The aquarium alone would’ve cost thousands of dollars had I not purchased it from a slightly confused dude on Craigslist. He seemed to realize at the last minute that $300 was a ridiculously low price, but by that time I was loadin’ it into my dad’s truck with a peppy, “THANKS! BYE NOW!”

That’s the financial part, but not the whole story. The whole story includes mucky water, day-long water changes, turtle health scares. The whole story includes discovering a giant purple THING protruding from your turtle and sobbing, googling for emergency exotic vet care, only to discover that that nightmarish THING is his PENIS. Stop making fun of me. GO GOOGLE TURTLE PENISES RIGHT THIS SECOND. So disturbing.

The whole story also includes The Filter.

I don’t know what kind of sadist invented aquarium filters. They come to you in around 8 billion pieces and directions that look like a preschooler’s crayola experiment. Imagine trying to put together a piece of Ikea furniture, only you have a few missing parts and a few extra parts. And you’re drunk. And blind. And dead.

Once you finally get a filter put together, they never work. They just don’t. You call some strange man who is apparently customer service for the entire company and he acts like you’re stupid because you have a turtle instead of fish. Everyone knows filters only work for fish. You finally get the filter working through some magical acrobatics only to have the power flicker at midnight about a week later. The filter stops. You sob in the floor for a few hours. You try to recreate the aforementioned acrobatics and prime the pump with a teensy lever for around two hours before your finger falls off. Your roommate wisely stays locked in her room. Your then-boyfriend drives over to scrape you off the floor and change the water bucket-by-bucket (did I mention the tank was 140 gallons?) You later marry that man and throw that filter in the dumpster.

The next filter — the most expensive one you could buy, because you assumed that one would probably work — does the exact same thing. You recreate the above scenario in a new apartment with a new strange customer service guy at a new crappy company. You threaten to throw the filter and yourself over the balcony. Facebook friends only just talk you back from the brink. You throw that filter in the dumpster too.

Finally, you buy the cheapest filter on the market (Rena). It just works. You thank God every time you change its media and it starts again. But now you’re in a new apartment with no water pressure and surprise! Your water vacuum doesn’t work. You hate everyone and everything and move to a cave in Asia to become an ascetic monk.

Coconut Cream Pie Bars

Okay. The point is: don’t get a turtle. Or, really, the point is: get one if you’re going to go through everything above and still LOVE seeing your turtle swim happily to you every day, greet you when you get home, and refuse to bite you no matter how annoying you are. Rescue a turtle if you’re going to change his filter media, buy him an appropriate tank, and relish watching him run away from his giant dog-monster of a sister. DON’T get a turtle. DO get a turtle. I don’t know. Just be prepared. Really do your homework. Only rescue, don’t buy. And above all, don’t be one of those people trying to get rid of your turtle in a lake once he outgrows his cute quarter stage.

And don’t try to give him to me. I’ve got my hands full.

. . .
Red-Eared Slider
Squirt and I holding hands. No snark about my Christmas nightgown.

Easier than a turtle: these coconut cream pie bars. They’re also tastier, too, I’d wager. Indeed, they are HEAVENLY: creamy coconut, a cloud of whipped cream, and a buttery shortbread crust. It doesn’t get better than this for a coconut fan. Enjoy!

One year ago: Bailey’s Hazelnut Chocolate Tiramisu
Two years ago: Chocolate & Coconut Cream Pie Bars
Three years ago: Bright, Fun Blackberry Trifle
Four years ago: Vegan Pumpkin Nut Bread

5 from 1 reviews
Coconut Cream Pie Bars
 
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THESE ARE SO AMAZING. MAKE THEM NOW.
Author:
Serves: 12-16
Ingredients
Crust Ingredients:
  • 1 cup (2 sticks) butter
  • 2 cups all-purpose flour
  • 1/2 cup powdered sugar
Coconut Cream Filling Ingredients:
  • 3 cups half-and-half
  • 3 cups coconut milk
  • 4 eggs
  • 1 1/2 cups white sugar
  • 2/3 cup cornstarch
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 1 1/2 cup flaked coconut
  • 1/2 teaspoon coconut extract
  • 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
Whipped Cream Topping Ingredients:
  • 2 cups heavy whipping cream
  • 1 tablespoon cold water (for stabilizing)
  • 1 teaspoon gelatin (for stabilizing)
  • 3-4 tablespoons powdered sugar
  • 1 cup coconut, for toasting
Instructions
  1. Make shortbread crust: Preheat your oven to 350°F. Prepare a 9 x 13 in. baking dish with a foil sling (I use one long sheet across the length of my dish, and two overlapping short sheets across the width of my dish — just arrange it so that it has some overlap and overhang to help you pull the bars out after they’re finished). Cut the butter into the flour and powdered sugar and press into the baking dish (I used a food processor to cut the fat into the flour — about 6-10 pulses — and then the bottom of a glass to press the mixture into the pan). Bake 18-20 minutes or until light brown. Set on a wire rack.
  2. Toast coconut for the topping: Spread about 1 cup of the coconut flakes out on a baking sheet and bake in the oven along with your shortbread crust for 3-6 minutes, stirring every minute or so, until the coconut is golden brown. Spread it out on a plate to cool completely.
  3. Make coconut cream filling: Combine the half-and-half, coconut milk, eggs, sugar, cornstarch, and salt in a large saucepan and bring it to a boil over medium-low heat, whisking constantly until it’s thick and bubbling (this can take anywhere from 15-30 minutes. Just do it. It’s worth it.) Add coconut and vanilla extracts and the 1 1/2 cups of untoasted coconut and stir. Pour this filling over your cooled crust, letting it cool for a bit on the counter before sticking the whole thing in the fridge to chill until firm, about 2 to 4 hours.
  4. Make whipped cream topping: Put 1 tablespoon cold water in a small bowl and sprinkle the gelatin evenly over the top. Let it soften for 2 minutes before microwaving it for 30 seconds and whisking to dissolve the gelatin. Using a chilled bowl and beater, whisk the 2 cups of heavy cream and powdered sugar together until the cream forms stiff peaks, stopping to add gelatin mixture about halfway through. Dollop the cream over your bars and gently spread it around. Sprinkle on toasted coconut. Chill until ready to serve to let the whipped cream set up. Use the sling to pull the bars out of the dish, slice with a sharp knife, and enjoy!

 

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